2015 NFL Power Rankings Week 14

Well, at least I got the rankings in before Sunday

1. Arizona Cardinals

As usual, but it's getting closer and closer.

2. Seattle Seahawks

3. Cincinnati Bengals

4. Pittsburgh Steelers

5. Denver Broncos

6. Carolina Panthers

7. Kansas City Chiefs

They're in the same division as a top 10 offense. They played that top 10 offense twice. They allowed exactly 3 points each time. They may have started out 1-5 (!), but it's been over two months (!!) since they've lost a game.

8. New England Patriots

9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

10. New York Jets

11. Buffalo Bills

12. Oakland Raiders

13. St. Louis Rams

As of this point in the list, only 5 divisions are represented.

14. Green Bay Packers

15. Chicago Bears

Wouldn't it be amazing if they passed Green Bay? Yes. Because fuck the Packers.

16. Baltimore Ravens

17. Houston Texans

18. Minnesota Vikings

19. Detroit Lions

We just had two non-NFC-north teams in the last 6 spots.

20. Dallas Cowboys

21. Jacksonville Jaguars

22. Philadelphia Eagles

23. Atlanta Falcons

24. Miami Dolphins

25. New York Giants

26. Washington Redskins

We just had three non-NFC-east teams in the last 7 spots.

27. Tennessee Titans

28. San Diego Chargers

29. San Francisco 49ers

30. Cleveland Browns

31. Indianapolis Colts

32. New Orleans Saints

With the number 6 offense in the entire NFL.

2015 NFL Power Rankings Week 13

I feel pretty good about last week's rankings, the top 5 teams won by a combined 164-26. I'd say that's a pretty solid margin.

1. Arizona Cardinals

2. Seattle Seahawks

Biggest jump of anyone. Cut the gap in half again despite how well the Cardinals did. This is probably the best team in the NFL now. Again.

3. Pittsburgh Steelers

4. Cincinnati Bengals

Yes, they lost a spot despite winning 37-3.

5. Denver Broncos

6. New England Patriots

lol

7. Carolina Panthers

Just itching to give up that 7th spot.

8. Kansas City Chiefs

9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

10. New York Jets

11. Green Bay Packers

12. Oakland Raiders

13. Buffalo Bills

14. St. Louis Rams

15. Chicago Bears

Yes, in the top 15, we have the Chiefs, Bucs, Jets, Raiders, Bills, Rams, and Bears. So basically over half of the bottom-10 crowd in recent years.

16. Baltimore Ravens

17. Detroit Lions

18. Atlanta Falcons

19. Houston Texans

20. Dallas Cowboys

21. Minnesota Vikings

22. Philadelphia Eagles

23. Jacksonville Jaguars

24. Miami Dolphins

25. Tennessee Titans

26. San Francisco 49ers

27. San Diego Chargers

28. Washington Redskins

29. New York Giants

30. Indianapolis Colts

31. New Orleans Saints

Yes, this is the team that almost knocked off the undefeated Panthers.

32. Cleveland Browns

2015 NFL Power Rankings Week 12

On time as FUCK.

1. Arizona Cardinals

Everybody has bad games. But this one cost AZ half their lead over Seattle.

2. Seattle Seahawks

NFC West 2, everybody else 0.

3. Cincinnati Bengals

That dominant performance against the Rams has them solidly positioned to be the 2nd-seed and the 1st-most-skilliest team in the AFC.

4. Pittsburgh Steelers

How are all the best teams in the same divisions???

5. Denver Broncos

6. New England Patriots

Well, there goes one of them.

7. Carolina Panthers

The average ranking of their remaining (regular season) opponents is 21st. That's like, really high for an average.

8. Kansas City Chiefs

Closing the gap. It wouldn't be that unreasonable to see the Panthers go 16-0 as the 8th best team in the NFL.

9. Tampa Bay Buccanneers

Somehow my algorithm knows not to penalize teams for being unable to stop the unstoppable. AKA Matthew Hasselbeck.

10. New York Jets

Another really good looking win.

11. Oakland Raiders

Well they're more just a beneficiary of the Rams and Packers falling apart.

12. St. Louis Rams

13. Green Bay Packers

14. Baltimore Ravens

15. Buffalo Bills

16. Chicago Bears

They've done an incredible job to pull themselves out of the depths of the NFL basement.

17. Atlanta Falcons

We're nearing the end.

18. Minnesota Vikings

19. Houston Texans

I just can't think of watt could possibly keep this team from being the worst in the league. But somehow they're shutting down great offenses.

20. Detroit Lions

Don't get too proud of yourselves.

21. Jacksonville Jaguars

22. Dallas Cowboys

Remember when I made fun of the AFC South? Well I just want to point out that this week, the Cowboys are the first NFC East team you're seeing. God damn some divisions suck.

23. Philadelphia Eagles

24. Tennessee Titans

25. Miami Dolphins

26. San Francisco 49ers

27. Washington Redskins

28. San Diego Chargers

29. Indianapolis Colts

30. New York Giants

31. New Orleans Saints

32. Cleveland Browns

2015 NFL Power Rankings Week 11

Gotta get these in before too many games happen.

1. Arizona Cardinals

It's interesting to note that while all these other top teams have been falling back to the pack, the Cardinals are still >2.5 standard deviations above the mean and >1 SD above the number two team.

2. New England Patriots

As you've probably deduced from the last blurb, they're only about 1.5 SD above the mean, but given that the toughest offense they face from here on out is the Dolphins, it's still not that unreasonable for them to just keep winning and winning. Just have to not fuck up this Sunday against Denver. Because Denver has the kind of offense that will fuck up against you.

3. Pittsburgh Steelers

4. Seattle Seahawks

Another team that's 1.5 SD above the mean. Now look at the 10-0 vs. the 5-5. That's what luck will do for you - the luck of getting to play in the AFC East vs. the NFC West...

5. Cincinnati Bengals

6. Denver Broncos

7. Carolina Panthers

...or the luck of winning all your close games.

8. Kansas City Chiefs

9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

You're not seeing it wrong. The Bucs really are in the top 10.

10. St. Louis Rams

11. New York Jets

12. Green Bay Packers

13. Buffalo Bills

14. Atlanta Falcons

15. Oakland Raiders

16. Baltimore Ravens

17. Chicago Bears

18. Houston Texans

19. Minnesota Vikings

20. Dallas Cowboys

Even if the Cowboys lose out, they'll still have more losses without Romo than with him. #mvp #thirdhighestpasserratingofalltime #whoevercouldbesecond #ohthatsright

21. Philadelphia Eagles

22. Detroit Lions

23. Jacksonville Jaguars

24. Tennessee Titans

25. Miami Dolphins

26. Indianapolis Colts

They look a lot better with that new guy starting. It's probably time for Luck to retire.

27. New York Giants

28. San Diego Chargers

29. New Orleans Saints

30. Washington Redskins

31. San Francisco 49ers

32. Cleveland Browns

2015 NFL Power Rankings Week 10

Beat the start of the Sunday games! Barely. Barely as fuck.

1. Arizona Cardinals

2. New England Patriots

Somehow moved up a couple spots after their worst game of the season. Because somehow the Bengals and especially the Broncos had WAY WORSE games. But to put it in perspective, last week, they were 1 spot and .395 standard deviations above the Seahawks. This week, they're ahead by more spots, but only .09 standard deviations above Seattle (I'm using Seattle as a reference because they didn't have a wildly good or bad game like the other surrounding teams. Also to show how closely packed the next few teams are).

3. Pittsburgh Steelers

Yeah, that was one of the wildly successful games. Fuckfuckfuckfuck went off.

4. Cincinnati Bengals

5. Seattle Seahawks

6. Denver Broncos

The end of a motherfucking era. But still a god damn ridiculously good/all-time great defense.

7. Carolina Panthers

8. New York Jets

9. St. Louis Rams

10. Kansas City Chiefs

11. Green Bay Packers

It's been over a month since they've won a game, for those who haven't been counting.

12. Buffalo Bills

13. Philadelphia Eagles

14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

15. Oakland Raiders

16. Atlanta Falcons

17. Baltimore Ravens

18. Chicago Bears

19. Minnesota Vikings

20. Dallas Cowboys

21. Houston Texans

22. Miami Dolphins

23. Jacksonville Jaguars

24. Detroit Lions

25. Tennessee Titans

26. San Diego Chargers

27. Indianapolis Colts

28. New York Giants

29. San Francisco 49ers

30. New Orleans Saints

That's the number 5 offense in the league right now. Only problem is, well, they seem to be the anti-Broncos. As greatest-of-all-time-level as the Broncos' defense is good... Let's just say these Saints are approaching their 2012 version in defensive ineptitude.

31. Washington Redskins

32. Cleveland Browns

2015 NFL Power Rankings Week 9

Got the blog going up (going up)... ON A FRIDAY. Wait what? I think it means that the top 4 teams don't actually stand much of a chance at winning the Superbowl this year. Same for the bottom 27, obviously. Anyways, here we go.

1. Arizona Cardinals

2. Cincinnati Bengals

3. Denver Broncos

Aaaaand you blew it. Still easily the best defense in the league, and still one of the greatest of all time, but not the greatest. In other words, you ain't JJ Watt.

4. New England Patriots

5. Seattle Seahawks

6. Pittsburgh Steelers

Somehow beating the Raiders is actually impressive now. I don't know if I can handle this NFL.

7. Carolina Panthers

Second straight week of someone doing to the Packers what the Raiders were doing to everyone else. Wait what?

8. St. Louis Rams

9. New York Jets

10. Green Bay Packers

11. Buffalo Bills

12. Oakland Raiders

They dropped a spot! Everything* is back to normal!

13. Kansas City Chiefs

14. Philadelphia Eagles

15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

One of the most dominant losing performances in the past few years. Wait what?

16. Atlanta Falcons

17. Jacksonville Jaguars

AFC South moving up**. But the sneaky part is that it's actually because of their now top-10 defense.

18. Baltimore Ravens

19. Dallas Cowboys

Luckily, they have an incredible line. Which allows them to win something* with Romo out.

20. Minnesota Vikings

21. Miami Dolphins

22. Chicago Bears

23. Houston Texans

24. New Orleans Saints

6th ranked offense, 32nd ranked defense. Makes things interesting.

25. San Diego Chargers

8th ranked offense, 31st ranked defense. When I said interesting I was referring to how similar these two teams are. They're also 1st and 2nd in pass attempts, by the way. Which kinda makes sense.

26. Indianapolis Colts

3rd in pass attempts. Not top 10 in offense though. Or even close. It's interesting that the top 4 most pass-heavy teams are all next to each other (Texans).

27. Tennessee Titans

28. Detroit Lions

29. San Francisco 49ers

30. New York Giants

I know you're 5-4. See how much I care.

31. Cleveland Browns

32. Washington Redskins

*nothing

**Wait what?

2015 NFL Power Rankings Week 8

BEFORE THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL! BOOM!

1. Arizona Cardinals

It was starting to feel inevitable.

2. Denver Broncos

They just allowed 50 yards passing to the Packers. The Packers. As in the team with what has been by far the most efficient passing game ever over a 5 year span. This might be the best defense of all time.

3. Cincinnati Bengals

That was not a good game. But when your top spot is reliant on Dalton continuing to put up unsustainable numbers, then obviously you're gonna fall eventually.

4. New England Patriots

5. Seattle Seahawks
6. St. Louis Rams

Yes, half of the top 6 teams play in the NFC west. Kinda like how 4 of the bottom 10 teams play in the AFC south. Haha 4. That's all of them.

7. Pittsburgh Steelers

8. New York Jets

I realize the Raiders are kinda good now, but you can't let them do you like that. And I realize that's basically what I told the Chargers last week, but you can't let them do you like that.

9. Green Bay Packers

s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-SEE-YA

10. Carolina Panthers

11. Oakland Raiders

Yes the Raiders. What the fuck. I'm leaving.

12. Buffalo Bills

13. Kansas City Chiefs

14. Atlanta Falcons

15. Philadelphia Eagles

16. Dallas Cowboys

17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

18. Baltimore Ravens

19. Miami Dolphins

20. San Diego Chargers

21. New Orleans Saints

Holy FUCK there were a lot of points that game. And my algorithm still doesn't think their defense is that much worse than the Chargers' (the second worst team).

22. Minnesota Vikings

23. Jacksonville Jaguars

24. Houston Texans

Remember last season when JJ Watt had the 3 greatest games of all time? You know which one gets to be the greatest? None of them anymore.

25. Chicago Bears

26. New York Giants

Even more amazingly, their defense still gets to be better than the Chargers'.

27. Indianapolis Colts

28. Cleveland Browns

29. Detroit Lions

30. Tennessee Titans

31. San Francisco 49ers

32. Washington Redskins

2015 NFL Power Rankings Week 7

I made it before the big wave of games started! Thursday night and London games are to be expected. But anyways, here are the new rankings.

1. Cincinnati Bengals

You know everything everybody is saying about the Patriots? They should really be saying it about the Bengals. This is (by quite a bit) the best offense in the NFL. Defense, not so much. Which will make holding on to the top spot even harder.

2. Arizona Cardinals

Ok, a few weeks ago it wasn't close, but now it is. The Cardinals are within .00175 standard deviations of the Bengals. And this is in spite of their number-two-offense-in-the-league being nowhere near the Bengals'.

3. Green Bay Packers

They're consistently good, but they need it to stay here. The Packers aren't in the same class as the Bengals and Cardinals, they don't have that kind of wiggle room.

4. New York Jets
5. New England Patriots

The Jets ran the ball better and passed the ball better than the Patriots. But you know what the Patriots did better? Completely avoiding running the ball. As in they had 9 rushes all game. Four of which were by Brady. Darell "fuck-you-you-piece-of-shit-just-fucking-fire-this-dude-already" Bevell, maybe there's a lesson to be learned here.

6. Seattle Seahawks

Speaking of which, I wonder why the 6th best team in the NFL has such a poor record...
Ok, when your scoring margin is +26, a lot has to be attributed to luck, but as for the rest? Just look up.

7. Denver Broncos

The only reason my rankings don't say they have the worst offense in the league is that I'm still taking last season into account. Peyton is looking done-done-done-done-done and has been for a while. But then again, their all-time-great defense has somehow prevented them from losing a single game.

8. Pittsburgh Steelers

As much as I hate to admit it, Ben Fuckfuckfuckfuck might actually be somewhat important. Nowhere near Romo level though, it's pretty telling when you're winning 100% with and 0% without.

9. St. Louis Rams

They got a good defense. Gurley looks good. It's hard to improve your ranking playing the Browns. You're expected to dominate like they did.

10. Carolina Panthers

11. Buffalo Bills

12. Philadelphia Eagles

13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Wait what? The Bucs? Here? I guess my algorithm was a big fan of that loss to the Redskins. Which to be fair it should be, but it seems like it was a really big fan. As we'll see by Washington's ranking. But to be fair, a lot of this big movement in the rankings is just the teams around here all being clumped close together.

14. Miami Dolphins

My algorithm is a big fan of all-time-great offensive games.

15. Dallas Cowboys

We've talked about them already. But maybe Dez will help a little bit.

16. Oakland Raiders

17. Kansas City Chiefs

18. Atlanta Falcons

19. Baltimore Ravens

20. New York Giants

21. Jacksonville Jaguars

Widening the gap between them and the rest of the teams in their division...

22. San Diego Chargers

You can't let the Raiders do that to you, man.

23. Minnesota Vikings

24. Chicago Bears

25. San Francisco 49ers

26. New Orleans Saints

27. Indianapolis Colts

28. Tennessee Titans

29. Detroit Lions

30. Houston Texans

31. Cleveland Browns

32. Washington Redskins

2015 NFL Power Rankings Week 6

Late again, I know.

1. Cincinnati Bengals

Still the best, although their huge-outlier status is gone.

2. Arizona Cardinals

Not a bad loss to another top 5 team.

3. Green Bay Packers

Just LOSE already PLEASE.

4. Pittsburgh Steelers
5. New England Patriots

Nope.

6. New York Jets

Yes, the Jets. Of the defenses that don't appear to be historically great (*cough* Denver *cough*), the JETS are number one.

7. Seattle Seahawks

And the Seahawks are number two. But they might be Denver-level if we just ignore the 4th quarter when the depth of their D-line rotation catches up to them.

8. Denver Broncos

The Jags and Titans are the only teams in the NFL with EITHER a worse offense OR a better defense than the Broncos. You can probably guess which.

9. St. Louis Rams

Bye. I'll probably see you again though. Maybe even this week. Possibly today.

10. Philadelphia Eagles

11. Buffalo Bills

12. Carolina Panthers

13. Dallas Cowboys

14. San Diego Chargers

15. Kansas City Chiefs

16. Atlanta Falcons

17. Baltimore Ravens

18. New York Giants

19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

20. Houston Texans

That's, right, an AFC South team just made it into the TOP TWENTY FOOTBALL TEAMS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. AMAZING. Might have something to do with having the greatest football player in the world.

21. Oakland Raiders

22. San Francisco 49ers

23. Minnesota Vikings

24. New Orleans Saints

25. Indianapolis Colts

26. Detroit Lions

27. Washington Redskins

28. Chicago Bears

29. Miami Dolphins

They looked like a completely different team. And given the talent on their D, they could be moving up fast.

30. Jacksonville Jaguars

31. Tennessee Titans

32. Cleveland Browns

2015 NFL Power Rankings Week 5

Ok, I'm really late on this one, you got me. I missed the start of the first round of Sunday games. But here we are. These are the numbers based on every game through week 5:

1. Cincinnati Bengals

Still #1, but it's a LOT closer after having to play against Kam Chancellor.

2. Arizona Cardinals

Looked amazing again demolishing Detroit. Carson Palmer had as many TDs as incompletions.

3. Green Bay Packers

This time it was the defense, which is now top 10 after picking off Foles four times.

4. New England Patriots

Romo would have made that game interesting.

5. Pittsburgh Steelers

They ran the ball pretty well. Particularly Vick.

6. Seattle Seahawks

Back to being ranked in the range they're used to after outplaying the best team in the league (on the road!).

7. Denver Broncos

Peyton might be done. The running game is nonexistent. Luckily for them, they have by FAR the most dominant defense in the league. Maybe in years. Maybe better than the one that held their greatest-offense-of-all-time to 8 points in the Superbowl. Ok, maybe not that good, but they're on that level. However, their offense isn't CLOSE to the level of that Seahawks offense. But with Peyton, there's always the chance of finding some magic for a final push.

8. St. Louis Rams

They may have had some troubles on O against Green Bay, but that defense is a top 5 unit in the league. Aaron Donald is basically a smaller JJ Watt. Which means he's probably going to the hall of fame.

9. New York Jets

Ok, now come the boring teams. Time to stop talking.

10. Buffalo Bills
11. Philadelphia Eagles
12. New York Giants
13. Carolina Panthers
14. Baltimore Ravens
15. Atlanta Falcons
16. Dallas Cowboys
17. San Diego Chargers
18. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
19. Washington Redskins
20. Kansas City Chiefs
21. Oakland Raiders
22. Tennessee Titans
23. Chicago Bears
24. Houston Texans
25. Jacksonville Jaguars
26. Minnesota Vikings
27. Indianapolis Colts
28. Cleveland Browns
29. San Francisco 49ers
30. New Orleans Saints
31. Detroit Lions
32. Miami Dolphins

2015 NFL Power Rankings Week 4

1. Cincinnati Bengals

It's not CLOSE. Like, at bengALL.

2. Green Bay Packers

Just the top of a pack of teams all in essentially the same place.

3. Pittsburgh Steelers

No. Fuck the Steelers.

4. Arizona Cardinals

Sometimes winning just isn't in the cards.

5. New England Patriots

More like the New England Golden TATEriots, am I right?

6. Denver Broncos

Ok, I just saw the Seahawks below me and realized I'm gonna have no shot at making puns out of all these names.

7. St. Louis Rams

Ok, bye everybody, we don't need to talk about the rest of the teams. The one below these ramblings is gonna win the Superbowl, the rest suck, you know the story.

8. Seattle Seahawks

9. Dallas Cowboys

10. Baltimore Ravens

11. Buffalo Bills

12. New York Jets

13. New York Giants

14. Philadelphia Eagles

15. Atlanta Falcons

16. Carolina Panthers

17. San Diego Chargers

18. Washington Redskins

19. Oakland Raiders

20. Kansas City Chiefs

21. Jacksonville Jaguars

Haha just kidding I have something more to say. If you were wondering if this is the first AFC South team you've seen so far, well, then I'm impressed, because you're perceptive as fuck. But yes. That's right. The Jacksonville motherfucking Jaguars are the best team in their division.

22. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

23. Detroit Lions

24. Tennessee Titans

25. Chicago Bears

26. Minnesota Vikings

27. Houston Texans

28. Indianapolis Colts

29. New Orleans Saints

30. San Francisco 49ers

31. Cleveland Browns

32. Miami Dolphins

2015 NFL Power Rankings Week 3

I beat my time last week by a couple minutes! Unfortunately there was some dumb London game in the early morning. But no one cares about the Dolphins and Jets anyway. Ravens and Steelers? Maybe. But that game was WAY too early. But I digress. Here are your rankings:

1. Cincinnati Bengals
2. Pittsburgh Steelers
3. Green Bay Packers
4. Arizona Cardinals
5. New England Patriots
6. Denver Broncos
7. Dallas Cowboys
8. St. Louis Rams
9. Seattle Seahawks
10. Buffalo Bills
11. Baltimore Ravens
12. Carolina Panthers
13. Philadelphia Eagles
14. New York Giants
15. New York Jets
16. Washington Redskins
17. San Diego Chargers
18. Atlanta Falcons
19. Kansas City Chiefs
20. Oakland Raiders (2-1. What???)
21. Indianapolis Colts
22. Minnesota Vikings
23. Houston Texans
24. Tennessee Titans
25. Detroit Lions
26. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
27. Jacksonville Jaguars
28. Chicago Bears
29. San Francisco 49ers
30. Miami Dolphins
31. Cleveland Browns
32. New Orleans Saints (This is despite a top 10 offense. That's how bad the D has been. The lowest team other than them with a top 10 O or D unit is the Falcons at 18 (7th best offense).)

2015 NFL Power Rankings Week 2

Getting this out right as the Sunday games start week 3. Let's. Go.

1. Pittsburgh Steelers
2. Cincinnati Bengals
3. New England Patriots
4. Dallas Cowboys
5. Denver Broncos
6. Green Bay Packers
7. Arizona Cardinals
8. Baltimore Ravens
9. Buffalo Bills
10. St. Louis Rams
11. Kansas City Chiefs
12. New York Jets
13. Carolina Panthers
14. Seattle Seahawks
15. Washington Redskins
16. San Diego Chargers
17. Cleveland Browns
18. Tennessee Titans
19. Philadelphia Eagles
20. Houston Texans
21. San Francisco 49ers
22. Atlanta Falcons
23. New York Giants
24. Miami Dolphins
25. Minnesota Vikings
26. Detroit Lions
27. Jacksonville Jaguars
28. Indianapolis Colts
29. Chicago Bears
30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
31. Oakland Raiders
32. New Orleans Saints

2015 NFL Power Rankings Week 1

Whaddup. I'm back. These rankings are some combination of last year and this year. Slightly more last year. But not enough so that the huge lucky swings in week 1 success can't overwhelm it.

1. Denver Broncos

Peyton SUUUUCKS. But seriously he had like 4.4 yards per attempt. And unlike EVERY OTHER YEAR EVER, he couldn't get the ball out fast enough to beat the pressure. Which is why the Broncos as a team averaged 3.4 yards per pass play. HOWEVER, they have a legitimately elite defense, and once Evan Mathis gets used to playing with his fellow offensive linemen, their O should be fine.

2. St. Louis Rams

They killed Seattle. That game wasn't as close as it looked. Like usual, they got to Russell Wilson all day (6 sacks), but UNLIKE usual, they had solid (if not spectacular) quarterback play, with Nick Foles averaging 11 yards per attempt with 0 interceptions. Are they actually good? Who the fuck knows, but they deserve everybody's attention right now.

3. Buffalo Bills

Haha more like Andrew SUCK am I right? But seriously, their defense is like, really good. Rex Ryan is fucking good at coaching that side of the ball. And then somehow Tyrod Taylor was good, but I buy that even less than Foles.

4. Cincinnati Bengals

This is what happens when you get to play the Raiders before it's official that they suck. But the Bengals really are a fairly good team. Probably.

5. Arizona Cardinals

Ok, this first week's rankings are heavily skewed toward QBs who had good games. The Cardinals are a legit team, but it's really because of their D. Carson Palmer won't be able to play the Saints every game.

6. San Francisco 49ers

Ok, that spin move by Carlos Hyde was actually fucking legit. But fuck the 49ers.

7. Green Bay Packers

They finna get SMACKED this weekend.

8. Pittsburgh Steelers

Their D sucks, but it's also not their fault that Tom Brady is too much of a BITCH to throw downfield anymore. They also were missing some dudes, and that offense (read: Antonio Brown) is still really good.

9. Dallas Cowboys

Romo is probably the second best quarterback in the NFL. And the best one doesn't really have an offensive line, so give Romo the MVP.

10. Baltimore Ravens

Just like the Ravens of old: Great D, no O. Like NONE. But the Broncos are pretty good, so they get somewhat of a pass.

11. San Diego Chargers

See Cowboys, Dallas (wait what?)

12. Tennessee Titans

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

13. Seattle Seahawks

Ok, that was bad, but it's not like they AREN'T gonna win the Superbowl this year, let's face it. Also, the onside kick (I don't care what Pete Carroll says, that wasn't close to a pooch) and the final 4th down weren't bad calls. The real bad call that game was the Rams kicking in OT. But now it's gonna be even longer before people realize what a horrible decision it is to ever kick a field goal on the opening drive of overtime.

14. Philadelphia Eagles

(n)OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Ok, it wasn't actually that bad, but still.

15. Houston Texans

JJ Watt is on pace for 96 tackles for loss this season.

16. Detroit Lions

They just aren't as good as Philip Rivers, I guess.

17. New York Jets

They're pretty loaded, but there's not much that can make up for losing Rex Ryan (except for playing Johnny Manziel). And it's not like their offense was good enough even before that.

18. New England Patriots

Tom Brady actually played his dink and dunk shit pretty well against the Steelers, but the Pats get punished for being such a shitty team last year. Also for Pittsburgh being so fucking bad at defense. And at being a city.

19. Kansas City Chiefs

More like Kansas shitty, am I right? I mean, they made the most out of Brian Hoyer fucking up the first half, and it's not like anybody else can stop that one defensive end on Houston either, but still.

20. Washington Redskins

Nahhhh

21. Atlanta Falcons

Good for them. Hard in one game to make up for how bad the defense was last year though.

22. Carolina Panthers

It's the Jags, dude.

23. Miami Dolphins

Maybe they should Suh that new DT of theirs for not doing SHIT. Against the REDSKINS.

24. Cleveland Browns

Wow, did you think for a moment that Johnny Manziel might actually be able to break out this season? Yeah, me neither.

25. New York Giants

They were sooooo close.

26. Indianapolis Colts

LOLZ

27. Jacksonville Jaguars

See Colts, Indianapolis

28. New Orleans Saints

If only they could play anything resembling defense...

29. Chicago Bears

Ehhh, I don't really blame them, bad last season and a tough passing game to go against week 1. They didn't actually look this bad.

30. Minnesota Vikings

How about a mini soda?

31. Oakland Raiders
32. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Sometimes you just forget that some teams exist...

Superbowl Preview Part 2

Let's actually get into some details now. The Seahawks offense is one of the best in the league despite their scoring totals because they run. A lot. And really well. And that's not gonna manifest itself on the scoreboard because a lot of (successful) running means long drives and few drives. And that's what's going to happen in the Superbowl. The Seahawks are going to run. And then they're gonna run some more. Because that's what they've been doing all season. And by all season I mean the past few seasons with the exception of Percy Harvin's healthy games.

And it's gonna work. The Patriots are probably the only team in the NFL that Bevell's play-calling is good against. But against a team that's that good against the pass and that bad at stopping consistent gains on the ground, it actually might be the right strategy. And that's going to be the difference between the reality and the predictions. The Seahawks' offense, which is rarely given credit for being the borderline top 5 unit that it is, will be able to prove its worth in the Superbowl. Enough so that it will take an incredible effort on the other side of the ball for the Patriots to stay in the game.

But on that side of the ball, things are less clear. The Patriots throw a lot of short passes, and the Seahawks aren't particularly good at stopping those, even with a healthy secondary. And I for one have no clue how much the injuries to Sherman, Thomas, and Chancellor are going to affect them. But it might not matter much. Because the Patriots won't test them very much. They'll just keep throwing underneath. Now, the Patriots strategy of throwing underneath seems like this consistent way to score every drive, especially considering the point totals New England put up this year. But really, Tom Brady only completed 64% of his passes. Reasonable, but nothing special. It puts him 14th in the league. Which isn't that great considering how short the throws are. He's 21st in yards per attempt. The truth of the matter is that the Patriots aren't actually the machine we think of them as, with the unstoppable Tom Brady methodically moving down the field gaining 10 yards every play.

They're just an offense that calls the right plays (like passes on 2nd and long) and doesn't have bad ones (like sacks). What beats them is a dominant pass rush. Coverage doesn't matter because they get open with scheme (and size, in the case of Gronk). This is what differentiates them from the rest of the league. If you don't get to Brady, the Patriots will keep putting him in good situations until he beats you.

And I don't know how much the Seahawks pass rush is going to find. This is the biggest difference between last year's Seahawks and this year's. They just aren't getting as much pressure with the front 4. But the Pats' line has weaknesses. And the Seahawks are just going to need to put Michael Bennett in places where he can exploit those weaknesses. Which is easier said than done.

Overall though, there's a lot more question about how consistently the Patriots offense will be able to move the ball in this game. This could be a game where there aren't too many drives, since the Seahawks will take a long time on each of theirs. And fewer drives means more chance for a couple lucky plays to swing the game. This game could be low scoring despite the dominance of Seattle's offense, opening the door for a lucky break to bring the Patriots right back into the mix. Or it could end up like the Seahawks-Giants game this season, where the Seahawks run the ball 45 times for 350 yards and completely pull away. I'll put my pick in the middle of these extremes:

Seahawks 27, Patriots 17

Superbowl Preview

I haven't posted on here in a while, so I figure I might as well come back for the Super Bowl. Because it's an easy one. Here's all you need to know: The Seahawks have a significantly better offense than the Patriots. Yes, I said offense. In fact, it isn't close. The difference between the Seahawks' offense and Patriots' offense is bigger than the difference between the Patriots' offense and that of the Browns or Titans. Would you give the Titans a shot against the Patriots? No? Good. So why the fuck are we giving the Patriots a shot in this game? They're going up against the devil himself. They won't come within 73 points.