Whaddup. I'm back. These rankings are some combination of last year and this year. Slightly more last year. But not enough so that the huge lucky swings in week 1 success can't overwhelm it.
1. Denver Broncos
Peyton SUUUUCKS. But seriously he had like 4.4 yards per attempt. And unlike EVERY OTHER YEAR EVER, he couldn't get the ball out fast enough to beat the pressure. Which is why the Broncos as a team averaged 3.4 yards per pass play. HOWEVER, they have a legitimately elite defense, and once Evan Mathis gets used to playing with his fellow offensive linemen, their O should be fine.
2. St. Louis Rams
They killed Seattle. That game wasn't as close as it looked. Like usual, they got to Russell Wilson all day (6 sacks), but UNLIKE usual, they had solid (if not spectacular) quarterback play, with Nick Foles averaging 11 yards per attempt with 0 interceptions. Are they actually good? Who the fuck knows, but they deserve everybody's attention right now.
3. Buffalo Bills
Haha more like Andrew SUCK am I right? But seriously, their defense is like, really good. Rex Ryan is fucking good at coaching that side of the ball. And then somehow Tyrod Taylor was good, but I buy that even less than Foles.
4. Cincinnati Bengals
This is what happens when you get to play the Raiders before it's official that they suck. But the Bengals really are a fairly good team. Probably.
5. Arizona Cardinals
Ok, this first week's rankings are heavily skewed toward QBs who had good games. The Cardinals are a legit team, but it's really because of their D. Carson Palmer won't be able to play the Saints every game.
6. San Francisco 49ers
Ok, that spin move by Carlos Hyde was actually fucking legit. But fuck the 49ers.
7. Green Bay Packers
They finna get SMACKED this weekend.
8. Pittsburgh Steelers
Their D sucks, but it's also not their fault that Tom Brady is too much of a BITCH to throw downfield anymore. They also were missing some dudes, and that offense (read: Antonio Brown) is still really good.
9. Dallas Cowboys
Romo is probably the second best quarterback in the NFL. And the best one doesn't really have an offensive line, so give Romo the MVP.
10. Baltimore Ravens
Just like the Ravens of old: Great D, no O. Like NONE. But the Broncos are pretty good, so they get somewhat of a pass.
11. San Diego Chargers
See Cowboys, Dallas (wait what?)
12. Tennessee Titans
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
13. Seattle Seahawks
Ok, that was bad, but it's not like they AREN'T gonna win the Superbowl this year, let's face it. Also, the onside kick (I don't care what Pete Carroll says, that wasn't close to a pooch) and the final 4th down weren't bad calls. The real bad call that game was the Rams kicking in OT. But now it's gonna be even longer before people realize what a horrible decision it is to ever kick a field goal on the opening drive of overtime.
14. Philadelphia Eagles
(n)OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Ok, it wasn't actually that bad, but still.
15. Houston Texans
JJ Watt is on pace for 96 tackles for loss this season.
16. Detroit Lions
They just aren't as good as Philip Rivers, I guess.
17. New York Jets
They're pretty loaded, but there's not much that can make up for losing Rex Ryan (except for playing Johnny Manziel). And it's not like their offense was good enough even before that.
18. New England Patriots
Tom Brady actually played his dink and dunk shit pretty well against the Steelers, but the Pats get punished for being such a shitty team last year. Also for Pittsburgh being so fucking bad at defense. And at being a city.
19. Kansas City Chiefs
More like Kansas shitty, am I right? I mean, they made the most out of Brian Hoyer fucking up the first half, and it's not like anybody else can stop that one defensive end on Houston either, but still.
20. Washington Redskins
Nahhhh
21. Atlanta Falcons
Good for them. Hard in one game to make up for how bad the defense was last year though.
22. Carolina Panthers
It's the Jags, dude.
23. Miami Dolphins
Maybe they should Suh that new DT of theirs for not doing SHIT. Against the REDSKINS.
24. Cleveland Browns
Wow, did you think for a moment that Johnny Manziel might actually be able to break out this season? Yeah, me neither.
25. New York Giants
They were sooooo close.
26. Indianapolis Colts
LOLZ
27. Jacksonville Jaguars
See Colts, Indianapolis
28. New Orleans Saints
If only they could play anything resembling defense...
29. Chicago Bears
Ehhh, I don't really blame them, bad last season and a tough passing game to go against week 1. They didn't actually look this bad.
30. Minnesota Vikings
How about a mini soda?
31. Oakland Raiders
32. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Sometimes you just forget that some teams exist...
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