I weighted last season as just 1 game (as opposed to 2) for these rankings. I'll probably keep it there for at least a few weeks.
1. Cincinnati Bengals
Bye. Bye. SEE-YA
2. Seattle Seahawks
See Bengals, Cincinnati
3. Denver Broncos
See Seahawks, Seattle
4. San Diego Chargers
It's the Jags. You'll see their ranking. It's basically a bye. So... See Broncos, Denver.
5. Detroit Lions
Finally a team that isn't on a bye! Despite everybody elsa's rankings, they beat a leJetimate contender on Sunday. Probably should be the favorite to win their division. The Lions, that is. And the Jets. Both those teams are better than people think.
6. Arizona Cardinals
See Broncos, Denver. At least they will next week. This might have been the worst week in NFL HISTORY in terms of being able to see the best teams play. 6 teams were on a bye. 7 if you include playing the Jags. And 4.5 of those 6.5 byes were taken by top 6 teams, and the 3.5 of the top 4. That's RIDICULOUS. But no, I'm not gonna look at this historically. That's too much work. I'll just acknowledge how amazing this is. Acknowledge HARD. Ok, it's about 1/1000 that at least 5 of the top 6 teams in the league will be on bye. And there have been much fewer than 1000 weeks in the NFL where byes have occurred. So yeah, this is amazing.
7. San Francisco 49ers
They CRUSHED the Eagles. The Eagles were lucky to be within 20, let alone a play away from winning. This game was really impressive.
8. New York Jets
They may be losing, but close losses with some bad luck aren't a problem for me. The defense is still one of the best in the league.
9. Baltimore Ravens
They've jumped a lot recently. That's what Steve Smith has to do because he's so short. Even shorter than Taylor Swift, in fact. But somehow he can still do things. The number of years he's been alive is more than half the number of inches he is tall. But I digress. I'm coming up short trying to think of more to say about Steve Smith. I really want to say the Ravens are inconsistent. Because that's exactly how they've been playing. But it's never actually like that. The Ravens are just pretty good. And they had a way-better-than-normal game last week (against what might just be a bad Panthers team), which is something that happens. That's all.
10. Washington Redskins
If you have a problem with me not dropping this team after their blowout loss to the Giants, go fund yourself. My algorithm doesn't care about turnovers. That's what killed them on Thursday. It's luck. The Redskins are still actually a pretty good team.
11. Green Bay Packers
What? The 2-1 Bears, who had beaten the 49ers, got shat on by the 1-2 Packers? At Soldier Field? Oh, right, the Bears just always had a terrible defense, and they got lucky in weeks 2 and 3. The Packers aren't that good. Just good enough to take advantage of said terrible defense. Ok, Aaron Rodgers was REALLY good. But not good enough to push the Packers into the top 10 over the Redskins. See-ya.
12. Tennessee Titans
What? This time I'm serious. I'm legitimately confused as to why the Titans are still so high. Confused enough that I rechecked my data. But maybe there's something to it. Maybe. Probably not. But MAYBE my algorithm is smarter than any of us and it recognized that the Titans sucking was just bad luck. Again, probably not, but it's enough for me to not dismiss them the way I dismiss the actually bad teams in the league. Like the Patriots.
13. Atlanta Falcons
The Falcons have a terrible defense, don't get me wrong, but they've probably been wronged by my algorithm more than anyone. First, they have to deal with last year's numbers from the completely injured squad they had to field back then. Now, they have to suffer the slings and arrows of TEDDY MOTHERFUCKING BRIDGEWATER and my algorithm can't tell the difference between the Cassel-AD Vikings and the Bridgewater-Asiata Vikings. So they get punished for getting pounded by a bad offense when really they got pounded by one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL. Either way, they have a top 5 offense now that they're healthy*.
*Injured as balls, but Julio Jones is healthy. That's it. Pretty much their whole line isn't. But Jake Matthews will be in a few weeks.
14. New Orleans Saints
HOLY SHIT THEY GOT SHAT ON. Ok, it was bad, but it wasn't that bad. They had some bad luck recovering fumbles. As in, 0 for 4. Not enough to explain the blowout, but enough to make it not be quite as bad.
15. Philadelphia Eagles
Now, this is the team that REALLY got shat on. I discussed this in my 49ers section. They're just not that good this year. Not that bad, either, but not a contender like when they had Desean Jackson.
16. Buffalo Bills
Ok, they had a close loss. But a loss is to be expected when the greatest player in the world has the greatest game in nfl history for your opponent.
17. Indianapolis Colts
Another dominant win, another great performance for Andrew Luck. Maybe this is his breakout year. He's finally putting up numbers that are better than league average. And they're way better. This is the kind of thing you would have thought he was already doing his first two years given all the credit he got from the media.
18. Pittsburgh Steelers
They lost. I don't care about that. That was as fair a matchup as we've seen in the NFL. Either team could have won that game. But I do care about the team they played. That would be the Bucs. The team that lost 56-14 the week before. You can't play evenly with the Bucs. That's just embarrassing.
19. Miami Dolphins
That was a really dominant win. Props to them. It was also the Raiders. The team that lost to the Patriots. But I'll give credit where credit is due. It's a feat to beat ANY team the way the Dolphins beat Oakland.
20. Houston Texans
Watt else is there to talk about? He had NINE qb knockdowns. NINE. That's not a bad number for a TEAM TOTAL AFTER 4 GAMES. He almost singlehandedly shut down the Bills' passing attack. Oh, and he had an 80 yard pick 6, no big deal. This game was the G.O.A.T. This player might be the G.O.A.T. The team, not so much, but it definitely has a chance to win that division as long as JJ is playing.
21. Minnesota Vikings
And here comes JJ's competition. TEDDY YOU-KNOW-WHAT-MY-MIDDLE-NAME-IS BRIDGEWATER. That was an amazing game. Over 300 yards on 30 attempts, a rushing touchdown, brilliant poise and athleticism in the pocket, and an ankle sprain. But he'll be fine. And by fine I mean one of the greatest players to ever set foot on the gridiron. But not JJ Watt. Because when he retires, NO ONE will be CLOSE to JJ Watt. JJ Watt the fuck are you doing comparing me to ANYBODY.
22. Dallas Cowboys
They sure played like they were feeling 22 against the Saints. I'm not gonna link you because you know how to use the internet. Just kidding. Anyway, Tony looks good. Really good. And the running game looks good. Really good. Top 5 offense. Bottom 5 defense. That's good enough a lot of times. I mean, not for the Cowboys, they haven't had, you know, success, in a while, but they've had a great quarterback FOR a while. In fact, Romo's career passer rating, albeit through under 10 years, so it's a small sample size, is 22 points higher than Elway's through his first 10 years. Just to put things in perspective, Tom Brady's rating last year wasn't 22 points higher than ANY qualified passer.
23. New York Giants
I don't care, lalalalalala. You lucked into hella turnovers. That's what the Bears did, and they're bad, so I'm just gonna put the Giants in the same category. Mediocre NFC teams who've gotten lucky enough to be .500 in a conference where they could easily be struggling to win a game. We can also put the Panthers in that category.
24. Cleveland Browns
See Cardinals, Arizona. Except for the ranking.
25. New England Patriots
See, it's not that bad, you're still ranked higher than the really awful teams. And Garawhatthefuckishisname looked pretty good on that one drive.
26. Kansas City Chiefs
Good win. That's two blowout wins in a row. I'm still not impressed. Remember, this is the same team that got destroyed by the Titans.
27. Carolina Panthers
Wow, that was a bad game. They're done. In my mind.
28. Chicago Bears
See Panthers, Carolina. Except they've been done for a little longer. Still in my mind.
29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
They had a game that looked like football. And that's enough to make it to the 20s.
30. Oakland Raiders
THIS is why THAT'S enough to make it to the 20s.
31. St. Louis Rams
I think they're going to start Shaun Hill over Austin Davis. TELL ME WHY!!!! They finally found their QB of the future. So what if it's not Bradford.
32. Jacksonville Jaguars
Bortles is gonna be pretty good. His team just sucks. He should be forcing shit. He has to. His team sucks.
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