Hell just froze over.
1. Cincinnati Bengals (1)
For the first time in forever, we have a new number 1. I don't actually think the Seahawks deserve to be dethroned, but I can let it go. The Bengals dominated both weeks. Good for them. In the AFC, the 16-0 watch can already begin. Just kidding. They'll probably swap with the Seahawks next week anyway and everything will go back to normal.
2. Seattle Seahawks (4)
I'm not going to think about this game. Do you want to build a snowman? I realize it can hit almost 120 on the field in summer, but I'm done here. I don't know whether to go to San Diego or leave it for good.
3. Detroit Lions (2)
It wasn't as bad as it looked. Just some problems holding onto the ball.
4. Denver Broncos (17)
This was just Peyton Manning being better than everybody. I mean, not better than Watt, but Peyton was a god this week. And he plays QB. We'll see if he can keep it up at Qwest next week. My guess is no.
5. Philadelphia Eagles (12)
That game never should have been as close as it was. Their opponent's quarterback was terrible. Speaking of which, you're all in Luck. I'm done with these links. Even the (c)link link. Football time.
6. San Francisco 49ers (5)
More about luck: That's what turnovers are, in general. That's why the 49ers lost despite being way better than the Bears.
7. Buffalo Bills (3)
They might be legit!! Maybe. Probably not. They're the Bills. But there's a chance. They dominated the passing game on both sides of the ball and started off 2-0. Kinda like the Seahawks last year. Not suggesting anything, but- Oh wait, I am. We have 3 of our 4 AFC divisions decided already.
8. Arizona Cardinals (19)
Here's a chance for me to talk about my algorithm. Week 2 is probably its worst week. The week where it's most vital that I use last season's data. As you can see, the Cardinals ranked 19th based on just the first 2 weeks despite dominating both games. This is because they're being heavily punished for not dominating the Giants quite as badly as the Lions did (and not dominating the Chargers as badly as the Seahawks did, but we'll get to that later). Add in any more games, and this stops being such a problem. But the parenthetical rankings are VERY untrustworthy.
9. Carolina Panthers (7)
They took advantage of the Lions' mistakes and handily beat what still may be a very dangerous team. Cam looked good in his first game (back).
10. New York Jets (6)
It looked so good early for them! 21-3! And then it fell apart. But even so, they're a top 10 team, and top 4 in their conference.
11. Pittsburgh Steelers (15)
They were as good as the Ravens Thursday night. We know the turnovers are luck. But the Ravens were still the team that put together drives. BUT, more surprisingly, that's also luck. See-ya. Only once we start accepting that EVERYTHING is luck can we make a solid measurement of how lucky certain events are. If I gave it to you as a math problem about a weighted coin, sure, you'd say that Bob and his 20% heads coming the first flip wasn't quite as lucky as Joe and his 80% heads coming up the first 10 times. But introduce a sports context, and everything changes intuitively. We think that the better athletes are just better. They'll beat the worse athletes. It's a game of skill. And you're just wrong. Football has hella luck, CHESS has hella luck, everything has hella luck. Especially the Colts. But back to the drives. Just kidding, I already explained that. Being consistent is lucky. Consistently not having bad luck can be just as lucky as having a few fluky plays go against you.
12. Green Bay Packers (10)
Nice comeback. Props to them. Still aren't gonna beat the Seahawks. Like, ever. Whoops, sorry. Hopefully it'll be the last time. Shit. Sorry about that again. Like, more than last time. But now I feel like I need to give you good links to make up for that. So here we go: this, this, and this. Now we're even. Or something like that. Oh wait, I have another link, and this one's actually relevant to the topic. Which I had forgotten. As you may have noticed.
13. Tennessee Titans (13)
Not as bad as it looked. Titans = ok/good, Cowboys = bad, no matter what numbers we saw on the scoreboard.
14. New Orleans Saints (26)
You can't lose to the Browns. I mean, sure, the Saints outplayed them, but the Browns were just fucking around. They actually put JOHNNY MANZIEL in the game. Like they expected him to complete a pass or something. They didn't put this guy in the wildcat, it wasn't some gimmick, they just gave Hoyer a breather. WHAT??? Oh right, it's the Browns. Well, hey, the Browns can get lucky too sometimes. They deserve it after that Pats game last year. No link, yay! Oh, you wanted a link this time? Well, too bad. You don't deserve it.
15. Washington Redskins (9)
Dominant. It's the Jags, but huge wins against bad teams are WAY more significant than close wins against good teams. Hence the Redskins making the top half of the power rankings.
16. Miami Dolphins (14)
That was just bad. But looking at their first two opponents before the season, I'm sure most football fans wouldn't have been surprised by their 1-1 record and the fact that both their games were blowouts.
17. San Diego Chargers (27)
See Steelers, Pittsburgh, for a description of why I'm not impressed. There's a reason why they're underdogs against the Bills and the Seahawks are favorites against the Broncos next weekend.
18. New England Patriots (18)
They won a game! Just brilliant by Belichick. If it weren't for him, the Vikings never would have been starting Matt 4-picks Cassel.
19. Baltimore Ravens (11)
I've said everything that needs to be said about them. The same is not true for the next team on this list.
20. Minnesota Vikings (23)
Ahhh, the Vikings. The team that doesn't use last names. Or at least, I can't think of any other excuse for them. They just reinstated Adrian Peterson because they attributed their blowout loss to having to use his backup, Matt ASIATA, rather than to the FOUR INTERCEPTIONS thrown by Matt CASSEL. What I really mean to say is: JUST PUT IN TEDDY BRIDGEWATER ALREADY. I WANT TEDDY. I realize interceptions are mainly luck, but TEDDY BRIDGEWATER IS SO FUCKING GOOD AT FOOTBALL.
21. New York Giants (28)
As discussed in the Cardinals' entry, the Giants performed better in week 2 than in week 1. By virtue of not being destroyed in every aspect of the game. And by virtue of destroying the Cardinals. The -4 turnover margin may have destroyed their chances of winning, but the Giants played like the better team Sunday afternoon.
22. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (16)
I don't know about you, but it seemed like Josh McCown channelled his inner T-Swizzle this week to earn the best power ranking. (Twenty-) Two bad he couldn't have attempted one more pass. He played well enough to beat the Rams.
23. Chicago Bears (20)
Interceptions are lucky and they make your team look good. I've said this before. They were worse than the 49ers. Other than the turnovers, their defense was terrible. They were like Dallas, just with WAY better luck in the turnover department.
24. Indianapolis Colts (24)
Andrew Luck? More like Andrew SUCK, am I right? Just kidding, he's actually pretty good. Like, competent good, not good good. Eli Manning good. Carson Palmer good. Mediocre good. But he's a good runner and comebacker. Just like Vince Young. JUST like Vince Young.
25. Houston Texans (8)
They blew them out, but I was kinda expecting them to dominate even more than they did. Maybe they were too busy letting the best player in the world play offense.
26. Dallas Cowboys (26)
See, Titans, Tennessee. For the answer to the question: "Who was the best team playing in Nashville on Sunday?"
27. Atlanta Falcons (22)
Well, that ended quickly. But the Bengals are really good, and Matt Ryan was really unlucky, so you can't blame the Falcons THAT much.
28. Cleveland Browns (32)
I don't know about you, but I'm feeling THIRTY TWO. Again, that's just because they were outplayed by a Saints team that allowed Matt Ryan to pass at will against them week 1. The 28 is more accurate. Not much better though. Maybe if they didn't put in JOHNNY FUCKING MANZIEL (I know I said this before. It needs to be repeated. A lot.). What is this team doing. The owner drafted him because a homeless guy told him to. Maybe that's why they put him in as well.
29. St. Louis Rams (31)
They're bad. Bad teams win sometimes.
30. Kansas City Chiefs (30)
They're bad, but it's hard to blame them for letting Peyton do what he did. He does that to everybody. Well, almost everybody.
31. Oakland Raiders (29)
Well, at least they didn't lose by 31 to the Redskins.
32. Jacksonville Jaguars (25)
See Raiders, Oakland for what the Jags shouldn't have done.
Well, the links didn't stop. Or at least they didn't stop when I thought they would. But it's over now. We can forget this week and try to move on.
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