2016 NFL Power Rankings Week 5

1. Carolina Panthers

Surprise! It took a missed game by Cam to get them back to first, but they did it. I won't be surprised when they come back to grab a wild card spot.

2. Seattle Seahawks

I won't be surprised when they cruise to a championship. I think the Seahawks are the only team this year that are actually that good.

3. Atlanta Falcons

The Falcons offense might actually be that good too. They did that shit against fucking Denver.

4. Denver Broncos

Still the best defense. But maybe not all-time like last year. Great offense beats great defense, but all-time great defense beats all-time great offense.

5. Arizona Cardinals

See Panthers, Carolina. Pretty much.

6. Pittsburgh Steelers

7. Minnesota Vikings

That was their most encouraging win of the season. I'm now confident enough to say that the defense is really good. The offense, not so much. My model has it at 27th in the league.

8. Dallas Cowboys

See Vikings, Minnesota, except switch offense and defense.

9. New England Patriots

Ehhh.

10. Philadelphia Eagles

They didn't get a ton of credit for their amazing start, and they aren't getting punished much for their loss to the Lions. We're still at that point where they might be good, but they haven't quite proved it yet.

11. Cincinnati Bengals

That was bad. You can't let the fucking Cowboys do that. 

12. Buffalo Bills

That was good. I'm somewhat impressed.

13. Green Bay Packers

So was that. At least for the defense.

14. Kansas City Chiefs

Bye

15. Chicago Bears

They fucking dominated the Colts. Just a couple bad plays. Maybe they can win the division? Nah. Wild card? Nah. But straight up, this 1-win team is decent.

16. New York Giants

Come on, you can't let the Packers do that to you. The Packers have been dog shit for a year now.

17. Tennessee Titans

The Titans are so good! Kinda! But they're definitely the best team in the division.

18. Baltimore Ravens

19. Washington Redskins

That was kinda ugly. The Ravens offense was worse than the Redskins defense. The other two units are actually good. 

20. New York Jets

Neither of the Jets units are good. Which is actually kinda surprising given how good their defense was last year.

21. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

They got the win, but they were totally shat on by one of the best teams in football.

22. Houston Texans

They'd have this shit in the bag if their D wasn't missing the third greatest player of all time.

23. San Diego Chargers

They've had some bad breaks this year. They're also a bad team.

24. Jacksonville Jaguars

At least they aren't the Colts.

25. Miami Dolphins

They're kinda like the Jets. Hopeless.

26. Oakland Raiders

Everybody else thinks they're good (probably because of their record). Everybody else is wrong. This defense is fucking trash.

27. Detroit Lions

This defense is also fucking trash.

28. Los Angeles Rams

This offense is fucking trash.

29. New Orleans Saints

See Lions, Detroit

30. Cleveland Browns

See Saints, New Orleans. I believelanded when they had Kessler. Now I believland in the Indians.

31. San Francisco 49ers

See Rams, Los Angeles.

32. Indianapolis Colts

This defense might actually be as bad as the Saints'. Straight up. And they don't have Drew Brees. Or anything close.