1. Carolina Panthers
14-0 last year, never crack top 5. 1-1 this year, and now they're first by a lot. They killed it on offense against the 49ers, and I guess that'll do it.
2. Arizona Cardinals
Hey it's another 1-1 team that dominated week 2 and was really good last season.
3. Seattle Seahawks
And another! Well, their defense dominated...
4. Denver Broncos
Finally, our top 2-0 team! But they're also a missed field goal away from being yet another 1-1 team that was great last year.
5. Cincinnati Bengals
Holy shit another one, it doesn't stop!
6. Pittsburgh Steelers
Finally, someone with two convincing wins. Well, not actually that convincing, as you can see by me not being convinced.
7. Kansas City Chiefs
Wait, didn't they just get shat on? But their defense played really well, and that makes my algorithm confident that it's actually decent.
8. New England Patriots
Garropallopallo!
Remember when the 2012 49ers were having one of the greatest seasons of all time, and then they found a superstar backup who spectacularly led them to a 42-13 loss to Seattle and then not a superbowl? Yeah, Bill Belichick isn't that fucking stupid.
9. New York Jets
My model is finds exactly zero teams at all convincing from here on out. The Jets are just the best of a mediocre bunch.
10. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I'm kinda convinced. I don't blame anyone for losing to Arizona, Arizona's fucking good as hell.
11. Atlanta Falcons
I'm actually very convinced by their defense. Convinced that it SUCKS am I right? But on a serious note, it is seriously bad. But they can put up points.
12. Green Bay Packers
Best offensive player in the league.
13. Houston Texans
Whoops, that last line was actually meant for the Texans. JJ Watt is the best offensive player in the league. And it's not close. Also, Aaron "The" Donald is the best defensive player.
14. Tennessee Titans
They're... good? Like actually though, my model thinks they're good this year (but really bad last year, that's why they're in the middle right now. #averages)
15. New York Giants
16. Baltimore Ravens
17. Minnesota Vikings
18. Miami Dolphins
19. Chicago Bears
20. Detroit Lions
21. Buffalo Bills
22. Jacksonville Jaguars
They fucking killed it against the Chargers. Not even joking, they really played ok. That's why they're here and the Chargers are 27th. (For those of you who were too busy reading about quantum bayesianism and might mention the Jaguars' awesome performance this game in casual conversation without knowing the score, it was 38-14. Chargers.)
23. Washington Redskins
24. Philadelphia Eagles
NUMBER ONE IN DVOA WHOOOOOOO! LET'S FUCKING GO AARON SHATS. IT'S ON MOTHERFUCKER. (For those of you who are too busy reading about quantum bayesianism to know Aaron Schatz, he made Football Outsiders. The site I let do all the work for my power rankings last week. I don't actually have beef with him. But it's on.)
25. Los Angeles Rams
The defense is actually really good.
26. Oakland Raiders
The defense is actually really not.
27. San Diego Chargers
28. Dallas Cowboys
Lolz.
29. Cleveland Browns
30. New Orleans Saints
31. Indianapolis Colts
32. San Francisco 49ers
And in last place, the (Colts and) San Francisco 49ers. I wouldn't have it any other way.
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