I'm back. And on a Wednesday, in a cafe, you watched it begin again. At least I assume all y'all'll read this on a Wednesday in a cafe.
1. Denver Broncos
Holy shit. This team is the best in the league. It's not close. The Broncos are 3.32 standard deviations above the mean. The Seahawks are 1.17 standard deviations above the mean. The Broncos have the number 1 offense AND defense in the league. Nobody can touch this team. I mean, the Seahawks beat them, but everyone loses at some point. The Seahawks were good last year. REALLY good. And they were less than 2 and a half standard deviations above the mean. The Broncos could be the best team of all time.
2. Seattle Seahawks
It might be ugly, but it's been ugly for everyone. Except the Broncos. And it's not like the Seahawks are a dominant 2nd in the league. They are only 1.17 SDs above the mean, after all. The NFL this year is just the Broncos and everybody else. But the top teams in each conference are the same. It's very possible that the Superbowl will be a rematch and the people who ignore football for longer stretches than I do won't realize that everything has changed.
3. Washington Redskins
Too bad I didn't publish my rankings last week with the Redskins here so everybody could see this blog call the shit out of the MNF game. This team might be 3-5, but they're good. Again, it's ugly for everybody; all the non-Broncos games this year are mainly decided by luck. Andrew Luck. Just kidding.
4. Indianapolis Colts
Speaking of which... Andrew Luck is finally good. I'll admit, I wish he would've stayed bad. The Colts have a top 5 offense. Maybe top 3. And the defense is wildly inconsistent. As in one of the top 5 defensive performances of the season against the Bengals followed by a bottom 5 performance against the Steelers. Conclusion: they're probably average. Unlike the Broncos.
5. San Diego Chargers
No shame in losing to the Broncos. The Chiefs on the other hand... no clue how they lost that. I mean, I almost do. Luck. Not Andrew. But maybe something else. Maybe they're just not as elite as we thought. Because no one is. Except the Broncos. But the Broncos don't count.
6. Cincinnati Bengals
They got shat on by Indianapolis. Maybe this is the year when everyone gets shat on by everybody else. Except the Broncos. And this won't be the last time I mention them.
7. San Francisco 49ers
Bye. See-ya. See-ya everybody who isn't the Broncos that is. I'm sure the 9ers remember their last game all too well.
8. Baltimore Ravens
They lost a close one to the Bengals, but they're a pretty good team. Then again, a lot of teams are pretty good. Or pretty ok. This season looks pretty treacherous for EVERYONE who isn't Denver.
9. Green Bay Packers
Rodgers had a good run. And by good run, I mean fucking amazing run. But it's over. And he's not doing it again. Like, ever. Nobody is. For a long time. Except maybe Peyton Manning. Because he does things like that. I mean, he hasn't, but he's done similar things.
10. Houston Texans
JJ Watt might be having the 3 best seasons of all time. Not the best 3 season stretch. The best season, the second best season, and the third best season. And now it's time for them to start winning. To take their rightful title as the best team in the state. Exclusively because of JJ Watt. As an aside, I'd like to compare the Texans and Broncos. The Broncos have the most valuable player in the league, because Peyton's a QB. They also might have the best roster in the league ignoring the quarterback position. That's why they're 1, and the Texans are 10. Ok, I didn't really want to do that much comparing.
11. Pittsburgh Steelers
Wow, that was a great game by Fuckfuckfuckfuck. Good for them blowing out the number 4 team in the league. Not that 4 is much different from anything other than 1. As I said before, this season everybody shits on everybody. Except the Broncos. The Broncos are not the front seat of Petey's car.
12. Buffalo Bills
Buffalo's pretty good. It's like starlight. People in real cities don't realize it's there. But it is, and every once in a while you notice it. On this scale, the Broncos are sunlight.
13. Dallas Cowboys
Losing to the Skins might have been sad. Tragic even. But it was beautiful to see the right team win. Maybe everything is right in the NFL. And by the NFL I mean the regular NFL and the Broncos. Because the Broncos are really in a different league right now.
14. Detroit Lions
Their offense goes from borderline top 5 to borderline bottom 5 when Calvin Johnson disappears. But either way, the defense is elite. With a healthy CJ, this might be the best team in the NFC. That's what a top 5 offense and defense means. But wait, there's trouble. They have to compete with a team that has a top ONE offense and defense. That's just not fair.
15. Tennessee Titans
Still top half! At 2-6. Maybe they're unlucky. Maybe. Although right now, the Broncos might be the unluckiest team in the league. They're that good. Alright, probably not, losing to #2 on the road in overtime is just tough. They weren't really unlucky that game.
16. Miami Dolphins
Do you realize how good the Broncos are? Looking at this entry was the moment I knew the Broncos would be more interesting than every other team combined.
17. Kansas City Chiefs
They have a winning record now, and shockingly, they aren't just winning at home. They even played the Broncos close. I mean, the score was close, the game really wasn't. But the Broncos are really really good, so it's ok.
18. Philadelphia Eagles
They're gonna be here when every game is a comeback. They just aren't convincingly good. Maybe when Evan Mathis is healthy. He might be the second best player in the NFL. Probably not, but top 10. Kinda like what the Broncos are in offense AND defense. Oh wait, that's top ONE.
19. 89 Intermission
No. Just no. That's for the New England Patriots, who are in this spot and get skipped over for the intermission. Now back to 1989. No. Just no. It's not hannenin. 1989 compared to Red is like any team in the NFL compared to the Broncos. And that's Red. Compared to Speak now it's like the '76 Bucs compared to the Broncos. Speaking of the Bucs, guess who's the worst team in the NFL this year. Yeah I'm done. Peace. Long Live Long Live and the Taylor Swift of years past.
20. New Orleans Saints
21. Arizona Cardinals
22. New York Jets
23. Cleveland Browns
24. Jacksonville Jaguars
25. Minnesota Vikings
26. Chicago Bears
27. Atlanta Falcons
28. Carolina Panthers
29. Oakland Raiders
30. New York Giants
31. St. Louis Rams
32. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Monday, October 27, 2014
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
2014 NFL Power Rankings Week 5
1. Denver Broncos
Surprise number 1. But they just won by 21 against the previously perfect Cardinals, so it's very deserved.
2. Seattle Seahawks
They're really good. This has been true for a lot of weeks. And will be true for at least that many more years. Terrible luck with penalties against Washington kept them out of first since my algorithm doesn't count plays that don't officially happen (like Percy Harvin's 3 TDs).
3. Cincinnati Bengals
The lopsided score was due to luck: the Patriots recovering all 4 fumbles in the game 3 of which were by the Bengals, 0/7 on 3rd down and 0/1 on 4th, etc. But the Bengals didn't outplay the Pats apart from the lucky parts. This is the Pats. If you're an elite team, you should dominate them.
4. San Diego Chargers
They look REALLY good. REALLY REALLY good. Rivers looks like an MVP.
5. Detroit Lions
Still top 5. But they seem to need Calvin Johnson healthy. What a surprise, a 6'5'' receiver with 4.35 speed and a 43" vertical (who is also just really good) is an important component of the Lions' success.
6. San Francisco 49ers
They're good. Fine. They just don't look it. But they belong here.
7. Green Bay Packers
They pooped on the Vikings.
8. Washington Redskins
Probably helped a bit in the rankings by the Percy Harvin TDs getting called back. Also by Desean Jackson being really fast.
9. Buffalo Bills
Great win.
10. Arizona Cardinals
Shitty loss. But it's Denver, they're good, and the Cards stayed in it for a while.
11. Tennessee Titans
Are you from Tennessee? Because HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU ELEVENTH?
12. Miami Dolphins
Hm.
13. Baltimore Ravens
14. Indianapolis Colts
Both teams played a lot of bad offense. The Colts just played a little more good offense.
15. Houston Texans
WATT
16. Pittsburgh Steelers
No.
17. Atlanta Falcons
It really wasn't that bad.
18. New York Jets
It was that bad. But the Chargers have been doing this to everyone. Basically. The defense is good, it's just that Rivers can beat good defenses.
19. New Orleans Saints
It might be that bad.
20. Philadelphia Eagles
For a team that was ranked 2nd last year and is 4-1 this year, they're ranked really low by an algorithm that incorporates last season. They need Evan Mathis healthy. Badly. Like the Lions need CJ.
21. Kansas City Chiefs
Why?
22. New England Patriots
I don't know about you, but I'm still not sold. More than a week ago, but that's not saying much.
23. Dallas Cowboys
They might be winning, and dominating on offense while doing so, but the other side of the ball isn't going to keep keeping up.
24. Cleveland Browns
Good thing Homeless Guy didn't ask for Johnny to start.
25. New York Giants
They got lucky. Next.
26. Minnesota Vikings
They need Teddy like the Lions need CJ and the Eagles need Mathis.
27. Chicago Bears
28. Carolina Panthers
Close game between two teams that are both a lot worse than people think they are.
29. St. Louis Rams
I BELIEVE IN AUSTIN DAVIS. EVEN MORE THAN BEFORE (but still slightly less than Teddy).
30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Ok, I'm done.
31. Oakland Raiders
32. Jacksonville Jaguars
Surprise number 1. But they just won by 21 against the previously perfect Cardinals, so it's very deserved.
2. Seattle Seahawks
They're really good. This has been true for a lot of weeks. And will be true for at least that many more years. Terrible luck with penalties against Washington kept them out of first since my algorithm doesn't count plays that don't officially happen (like Percy Harvin's 3 TDs).
3. Cincinnati Bengals
The lopsided score was due to luck: the Patriots recovering all 4 fumbles in the game 3 of which were by the Bengals, 0/7 on 3rd down and 0/1 on 4th, etc. But the Bengals didn't outplay the Pats apart from the lucky parts. This is the Pats. If you're an elite team, you should dominate them.
4. San Diego Chargers
They look REALLY good. REALLY REALLY good. Rivers looks like an MVP.
5. Detroit Lions
Still top 5. But they seem to need Calvin Johnson healthy. What a surprise, a 6'5'' receiver with 4.35 speed and a 43" vertical (who is also just really good) is an important component of the Lions' success.
6. San Francisco 49ers
They're good. Fine. They just don't look it. But they belong here.
7. Green Bay Packers
They pooped on the Vikings.
8. Washington Redskins
Probably helped a bit in the rankings by the Percy Harvin TDs getting called back. Also by Desean Jackson being really fast.
9. Buffalo Bills
Great win.
10. Arizona Cardinals
Shitty loss. But it's Denver, they're good, and the Cards stayed in it for a while.
11. Tennessee Titans
Are you from Tennessee? Because HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU ELEVENTH?
12. Miami Dolphins
Hm.
13. Baltimore Ravens
14. Indianapolis Colts
Both teams played a lot of bad offense. The Colts just played a little more good offense.
15. Houston Texans
WATT
16. Pittsburgh Steelers
No.
17. Atlanta Falcons
It really wasn't that bad.
18. New York Jets
It was that bad. But the Chargers have been doing this to everyone. Basically. The defense is good, it's just that Rivers can beat good defenses.
19. New Orleans Saints
It might be that bad.
20. Philadelphia Eagles
For a team that was ranked 2nd last year and is 4-1 this year, they're ranked really low by an algorithm that incorporates last season. They need Evan Mathis healthy. Badly. Like the Lions need CJ.
21. Kansas City Chiefs
Why?
22. New England Patriots
I don't know about you, but I'm still not sold. More than a week ago, but that's not saying much.
23. Dallas Cowboys
They might be winning, and dominating on offense while doing so, but the other side of the ball isn't going to keep keeping up.
24. Cleveland Browns
Good thing Homeless Guy didn't ask for Johnny to start.
25. New York Giants
They got lucky. Next.
26. Minnesota Vikings
They need Teddy like the Lions need CJ and the Eagles need Mathis.
27. Chicago Bears
28. Carolina Panthers
Close game between two teams that are both a lot worse than people think they are.
29. St. Louis Rams
I BELIEVE IN AUSTIN DAVIS. EVEN MORE THAN BEFORE (but still slightly less than Teddy).
30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Ok, I'm done.
31. Oakland Raiders
32. Jacksonville Jaguars
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